My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
