I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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