There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
