i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize