it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
