I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize