Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
