You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
ok first of all what the fuck
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize