Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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