why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
