If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
