Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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