Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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