Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Enjoy the penises
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
