my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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