the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
