the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
