if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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