how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
