my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
