We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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