Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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