My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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