You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
