The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
