i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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