Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
