She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
