when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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