I think I just saw someone hide a body.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
