Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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