I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
