I wish I could teleport
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
