my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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