I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can't motorboat a personality
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
