last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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