The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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