She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
