once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
