I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
