If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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