My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize