I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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