You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
