She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
