Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Come on in and take your pants off
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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