Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
