Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
