I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
