Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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