and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
