If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
