Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
