My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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