Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
