I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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