Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
