I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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