this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
