I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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