I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
